ITEMS THAT ARE 100% UNACCEPTABLE AND SHAN’T E’RE BE APPROACHED
Prior to starting this diet I had not owned a scale. About 10 years ago it dawned on me that I was a horrific fat person and I dropped 20 pounds through sensible eating, exercise and pure unadulterated insanity. At the time I thought that I had been sufficiently appalled by my fatness that it could never happen again. Never say never. So I’ve lived a paranoid weird life of food theories and fears and weight loss ideas and I have done this sans scale - bad idea.
Because now not only am I a fat person ….. I AM ONE ANGRY FAT PERSON….. I have known happy fat people and I say “more power to you” but when I look in the mirror … I see a large disgusting monolith and I’m pissed. I am of course mostly pissed at myself because somewhere in this time I must have become arrogant and engaged in reckless free form eating and I AM ASHAMED. I am also pissed at my nearest and dearest “friends” – you know the ones who for years said they’d tell you flat out if you got fat. The same people you made the solemn vow “I would tell you” when a super fat person walked by. Well this has turned out to be complete bullshit… these friends will look at you and say “you’re not fat…… your being ridiculous…. Take these cookies home…. I made you a lasagna…..enjoy this cake filled pie I made for you.” Woa is me. I AM WEAK. And the fact that I allowed myself to be deluded into feeling o.k. all the while expanding and expanding has sickened me to a whole new level. I am now 110% more motivated then when the idea was first presented (of course at the time I was an ignorant fat person). WELL GET READY KIND READER BECAUSE I’M IN IT TO WIN IT… FARWELL FORMER UNACCEPTABLE SELF…. GOOD BYE POUNDS OF MISERY. ON WE GO.
DAY 1 Wed. January 30th 2002
Coffee coffee coffee
10:00 a.m. -banana
11:00 a.m. -carrots
12:30 p.m. -yogurt, apple, orange
5:30 p.m. -chicken burrito, refried beans, beer (never an error) GRIEVOUS ERRORS I FORGOT THIS WAS DAY ONE OF THE DIET!!!
* The importance of beverages. Whilst I don’t believe in a “liquid diet” per say, I heartily advocate drinking…. First thing in the a.m. – Lots and lots of coffee to get the system ready for a the day ahead. Throughout the day water water water. Then a solid evening of beer (lite of course)- some people do favor liquor with tonic to save calories > THE WORLD IS YOUR OPEN BAR experiment! CAUTION= you must be aware that one beer over the line sweet Jesus and you’ll spend the remainder of the evening debating if you should stick your big fat stupid head in the oven and reciting “your life is garbage” …. So exercise extreme care – you want to lighten up not blow out.
DAY 2 Thursday January 31, 2002 (Cavs vs the Wizards let the magic begin!)
10:00 a.m. -banana
11:00 a.m. -carrots
12:30 p.m. -yogurt
apple
orange
4:30 p.m. - vegetable soup + extra vegetables
2 pretzel sticks
I bartend some evening so beer is often written into the picture automatically.
9:00 p.m. - a little more vegetable soup
ahhhhhhhh vegetable soup . … diet standard for many years.
DAY 3 Friday Feb. 1, 2002
DINNER OUT WITH FRIENDS TONIGHT
Coffee coffee cofffee
10:00 a.m - no banana
11:00 a.m. - no carrots
12:30 p.m. - yogurt
apple
orange
6:30 p.m. - grilled chicken quesadilla
rice
beans
vegetable
MARGARITA MARGARITA
· Before going out: 20 minutes jogging on treadmill – 25 sit ups- 60 kick boxing type jive moves – weights: 20 curls – 20 fly lifts – 20 reverse fly.
Day 4 Saturday, February 4th Work tonight 5-9
* Sleep till 3 to eliminate any need for food intake during the day. Try on weekends to narrow the field to one single meal > get hyped about it > use fanfare!!!!! Whoopie here comes the MEAL O’ THE DAY!!!!! Yes!!! Right on!!!
3:00 p.m. - get geared up for the MEAL O’ THE DAY!!! Which today will be a
lavish bowl of hearty high fiber bran cereal and plenty of raisins (if
you’re feeling a bit daring throw in a banana) – I keep a constant
supply of mixed cereal in a tupperware : grape nuts, 100% Bran,
and All Bran – OUTTA SIGHT MAN OUTTA SIGHT.
10:00 p.m. - 2 baby carrots and a spoonful of cottage cheese
DAY 5 – Sunday February 03
Wake up @ 12:00 noon.
Use coffee to as a motivational tool to get shopping and chores done…. “I can have a coffee when my errands are complete!”.
2:00 p.m. - coffee
2:30 p.m. - coffee
4:00 p.m. - banana
6:30 p.m. - ½ portion of Shrimp Chow Mein with steamed rice
Won Ton soup.
*Here’s where the “when in doubt throw it out” come in handy. I of course packed up the remainder of my chinese meal thinking “boy this was delicious…. I shall have the rest tomorrow.” Then the dieting me takes over and tells the reckless fat cow me “the hell you will eat that tomorrow piggy.. cast it into the trash you sickening obese monster.” And like Klaus Kinski in Crawlspace I said “so be it.” Tossed the rest and big picture… I AM HAPPY.
DAY 6 Monday Monday so good to me (please) Feb. 4, 2002
I’m starting off my Monday a little low key, a little pensive but still pissed as hell about being fat and no one telling me.
Coffee coffee coffee
9:00 a.m. - banana
11:00 a.m. - grapefruit
12:30 a.m. - chick peas with BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
apple
6:00 p.m. - shredded cabbage/red cabbage/carrots/cucumbers/chick peas/
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE.
HAULING MY FAT ASS TO THE YMCA
40 minutes running on tread mill/eliptical machine
30 minutes of weights and crunches …FEELIN KILLER
*Chickpeas – this is the new diet. I will not partake in a diet that involves counting, measuring, ratios, portion size or any other jive activity. I like someone to tell me… “I lost 20 pounds eating tuna salad” then I eat tuna salad . Recently a friend / known fitness buff told me about a chick pea diet – he read about in mens fitness magazine…. Now I don’t listen to or take part in anything more then the bare minimum needed to lose weight. So while there may have been more to the diet – I have narrowed it down to chick peas, shredded cabbage and BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE there is allowances for change ups and variety live it up !!!… how about some carrots in that, or celery, cucumbers and only at dinner time one might add some tuna or chicken breast and that’s it folks this is your lunch and dinner period. Why do we/I the dieter need this sort of repetition…. It takes all the guess work and anxiety out of meal time – YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR EATING – repetition also solves the grocery store issues uhhh the choices the drama the struggle- you will buy only what is needed to make your standard (read that as special!!) meal. Doesn’t that sound easy and fun. The less you need to think the better!!!
DAY 7 Tuesday February 5th
COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE
8:00 a.m. - bran cereal with raisins
11:00 a.m. - nothing
12:30 p.m. - apple – orange
2:00 p.m. - grapefruit
6:00 p.m. - chicken breast ,cabbage, cucumbers, carrots, chick peas
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
10:00 p.m. - dill pickle
50 sit ups
25 curls
25 lifts
60 karate kicks
25 squats
Visited the grocery store today…. It was a little sad. I miss my old friends macaroni and cheese and noodles and bread. But like a bad relationship sometimes you just gotta let go. Gather strength on these trips by 1. not buying anything outside of your program 2. by looking at the bulging flab of those gazing into the bakery cases. You’re tough.
DAY 8 – Wednesday February 6th
COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE
Cucumber slice.
Writing this at 11:20 a.m. and I’m feeling pleased that I haven’t gone for the grapefruit yet! Just not ready
12:30 p.m. - chickpeas, cucumbers, cabbage BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE – YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apple
orange
6:10 p.m. - tuna fish, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
OHHHH YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!
Night time snack - I don’t think so!
Power walk – 40 minutes
Sit ups – 50
35 squats
· Lets discuss the importance of self-hypnosis to the dieter. If your playing along with us you might be looking at my particular menu and saying “really, balsamic vinegarette all the time with shredded cabbage?” if you question the menu you are weak… what do you expect a dessert section maybe an allowance for muffins and malo-mars? – ain’t happenin. Here’s how to get through it…
1. First make peace with the fact that you are a disgusting fat person – say it aloud in the mirror a few times >> But don’t make so much peace with it that you become complacent – deadly error
2. next, identify a “diet” or meal regime that you want to try. Shredded cabbage, chick peas, cucumbers, carrots and add either tuna or chicken breast only at dinner time --- the more bizarre it is the more fun you’ll have getting hyped .. just for the heck of it how about the “oranges and yogurt diet” or the “artichokes and 1turkey hot dog diet” your turn.
3. SELF HYPNOSIS!!! THE KEY TO FREEDOM FROM FATNESS
You will make your dinner / lunch the same way for weeks and each time you go to it – get pumped up….play music…tell others how freakin awesome and satisfying it is.. brag a little you deserve it! And know that nay sayers are just jealous slobs who will secretly run home and try it anyway. YOU ARE THE MAN NOW DOG!!! Say it out loud “by eating this way every day I’m creating a better reality for myself!!” When you go to bed a little hungry, pat yourself on the back (strength permitting) and say “you are a bad ass!”. Repeat these behaviors each day and you’ll find yourself meaning it in no time. I HATE ICE CREAM – do I really or is it the result of meticulous self hypnosis – at this point even I don’t know.
This’ll make life easier
DAYS 9 & 10 Thursday & Friday February 7th & 8th
9:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee coffee
11:00 a.m. - grapefruit or kiwi
12:30 p.m. - chick peas, cabbage, cucumbers BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
apple
orange
6:00 p.m. - chickpeas, cabbage cucumbers, carrots, celery with chicken
breast or tuna fish and BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
10:00 p.m. - banana (optional)
Hows that for taking the guess work out of eating…. And the best part of it is.. I’M LOVING IT… I’m so hyped on this diet that I’ve gotten other people so vicariously psyched that they are like “I’m on it now too” that’s how you know if your self hypnosis is working – you’ve hypnotized others. And we wonder how people like charles manson or jim jones did it….. they were just super hyped too bad it wasn’t about dieting and meal plans.
On the aforementioned days I’ve discovered that exercise is a good time filler. Let’s face it exercise isn’t fun…. Eating is fun – thus the need for exercise sense a pattern?, anyhow I’ve found that you can kill a sufficient amount of time from the arrival home, to dinner time by incorporating your own work out. I favor the “Smokey Robinson Workout” (not copyrighted yet) – the best of smokey robinson and the miracles cd…is LONG but has enough jams to keep you jogging and sitting up and pushing up and kicking your legs all over the place and lifting weights up and down and to and fro- you can get a really decent work out with this – so I give it my full endorsement. Also if you are as fortunate as I, and happen to own a cd, record, cassette or 8 track of marching band music…. Use it…. Lift those knees as you march around the house…. “parade” your new leaner buttocks around the block. GO FOR IT!
LET’S HOLD HANDS NOW….
TOGETHER WE WILL FACE THE CHALLENGES OF THE WEEKEND OF DINING OUT ON A DIET…. IT CAN BE DONE AND WHEN DONE CORRECTLY YOU ARE FREE TO STICK IN ANYONES FACE!!!! REMEMBER KIND READER IT’S YOU AND ME LIKE A DIETING GANG FACING OTHER STREET TOUGHS ON THE ROAD TO CONEY ISLAND (I think I’m mixing too many things up here)…… anyhow on we go
Menu’s first then:
how I DID IT!
DAY 11 Saturday February 9th
8:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee coffee
11:00 a.m. - got busy and forgot my grapefruit
12:30 p.m. - chickpeas, cabbage, carrots BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE!
6:00 p.m. - Were you thinking I was going to say chickpeas. Nope!!
6:30 p.m. - Out to dinner with dear friend, dinner at HARRY BUFFALO
tuna steak salad, and say it with me “BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE”
this restaurant is now on my thumbs up list.
Roll
Day 12 Sunday, February 10th lunch out with mother.
11:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee
12:00 p.m. - coffee
1:00 p.m. - banana
1:30 p.m. - arrive at Applebees (crapplebees) you got a good 30
minutes before actually dining. Have some water.
Grilled chicken salad,
No bacon, no cheese, no eggs
TOMATO VINEGARETTE
Side: vegetable soup
9:00 p.m. - yogurt, with coarse bran cereal throughout.
O.k. Thea how’d you face not just one but 2 restaurants in a weekend aren’t you a commando dieter? – yes I am. dieting is all in the head and you indeed take your head with you most places. If you are commando dieting you are ready about now to take on some of lifes challenges. So someone says lets go get a meal out – as always get pumped…begin by doing squats every free second you have… waiting for your internet connection..squat squat, watching taped soap operas, squat squat lunge lunge, getting dressed, squat squat. Then you hit the restaurant of choice and don’t get panicky if your co-diner isn’t too keen on going to CHICK PEA PALACE…. You can do this!! Lets take the trip to applebees… a place known for overly salted deep fried cheesy food. Fat fat fat (squat squat squat).. anyhow first of all embrace your surroundings you’re doing it for all of us lard asses so hold your head up. Peruse the menu – I can say right now go no further then the salad page at places like these…. There’s nothing for you on the following 30 pages of cheese encrusted breaded fried sandwiches, entrees, combo platters, seafood or desserts! But be thankful for the brevity of looking at the one page… remember too much thinking is bad for you its what got you here in the first place (hmmm should I get the cheese sticks or the nacho bacon fries with extra sour cream?) Enjoy what is “your page” and know *you don’t have to accept the menu “as is” >THIS IS KEY because many times these places like to ruin salads with extraneous garbage to make you fat…. How about the chicken tender salad “mixed greens with deep fried breaded chicken fingers, 2 kinds of cheese, croutons, bacon and a creamy bacon cheese dressing” if this is your idea of a salad stop reading you deserve to be fat. You can however, have a blast re-writing the menu and demanding to be satisfied. Take the “grilled chicken salad” I ordered in the above mentioned day…. On the menu it wasn’t a grilled chicken salad at all it was a “buffalo chicken tender salad” OUT OF THE QUESTION….so I demand a grilled plain chicken breast in place of the nuggets or fried flanks or whatever…. Then and this is my personal gem* (use it if you like – it’s popular amongst my nearest and dearest) INVENT FATAL ALLERGIES TO STUFF YOU DON’T WANT. I CANNOT HAVE THE CHEESE on my salad – I am lactose intolerant. NO BACON for me I have a deadly allergy to something used in the curing process of bacon. NO EGGS ON THAT PLEASE I go into convulsions if I have eggs. This mild suggestion of a potential law suit insures you will get what you want the way you want it. Lastly don’t accept the suggested dressing…. Most of them are called “creamy” something and you simply shan’t be having anything creamy – ask for a balsamic vinegarette and if that or something very close isn’t available….. when in doubt leave it out! “no dressing please”. (you commando)
And there you are!!! there’s no big mystery dining out just be smart apply the new daily living rules to the menu and you can find something and should it happen that friends want to go someplace where there is literally nothing you feel o.k. about eating have some tea and hang tough till you get home.
Day 13 February, 11 Monday
Up early
COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE
8:00 a.m. - banana
11:00 a.m. - grapefruit
12:30 p.m. - chick peas, carrots, celery BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
apple
orange
HOME AT 3:30 REMEMBER FILL THIS VOID OF TIME WITH EXERCISE!
6:00 p.m. - tuna, chick peas, carrots cabbage, BALSAMIC
VINEGARETTE!!! ¼ piece of whole wheat pita (you go
Girl!!)
10:00 p.m. - plain vanilla yogurt
DAY 14 FAT TUESDAY February 12
Hey hey FAT TUESDAY!!!! How exciting… FOR OTHER PEOPLE NOT YOU FATTY!!. You’ve been celebrating fat Monday – Sunday for 20+ years now so don’t get your hopes up for this one!!!! We’re still in PHASE I of our diet you don’t deserve a treat yet!!!
8:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee
11:00 a.m. - grapefruit
12:30 a.m. - celebrate fat Tuesday by taking a 15 minute walk
before lunch!!!
Chick peas, cabbage, cucumbers, BALSAMIC
VINEGARETTE
POP QUIZ: what do we do with this time?
6:00 p.m. - tuna, chick peas, carrots, cabbage, cucumbers, with of
course BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE!!!!
10:00 p.m. - banana
vocabulary:
OXENESQUE – adj. Fat, ox-like big and beasty. Ie: I saw the photo of myself from Micheles wedding and kept wondering who that oxenesque girl was, did she pull a fruit cart around the hall? Then I recognized the gown and knew it was me.
FAT PERSON IN WAITING - n. person who was once fat but seething beneath the surface is their former fat incarnation. Ie: I did lose 20 pounds some time ago but I am well aware I am still a fat person in waiting.
DAY 15 Wednesday, February 13th –
In the Catholic Church this is Ash Wednesday…. For those participating in this particular church holiday we are anointed with ashes to sort of remind us of our mortality (ashes to ashes dust to dust and all like that…) if you don’t participate in this particular religion let your new found reckless dieting and pangs of hunger and dizziness remind you of your mortality!….. we’re all gonna die – true! but we don’t have to die 400 lbs. In bed with bedsores and buckets of chicken found by our body!! Are you with me? Right on!
8:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee coffee
11:00 a.m. - 2 kiwis
12:30 a.m. - A LITTLE CHANGE UP TO MAKE LIFE INTERESTING
BLACK-EYED PEAS, cabbage, cucumbers – BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE!!!!
Apple
Orange
Do some reflect-ercise – work out and reflect on how far you’ve come and how good you feel about all these squats!!!
6:00 p.m. - BLACK EYED PEAS, cabbage, carrots, cucumbers,
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
10:00 p.m. - glass of orange, strawberry, banana juice
convince your self this glass of juice is as rich and
delicious as a cheese filled pastry.
Go to bed a little thinner.
DAY 16 – Thursday February, 14!!!! ©©©©© Valentines day!
“No candy for me – I’m fat as can be!”
“Chick Peas not candy – and I’m feelin dandy”
Those are a couple of my new Valentines day mantras… now you write one for yourself. I am I suppose fortunate not to have a valentine – lest he be tempted to buy me chocolates or want to go to Capt’n Fried Fish for dinner which of course would be grounds for break up – but going this holiday solo is probably for the best at least as far as dieting is concerned. Again as with Fat Tuesday you might be tempted to “treat yourself” – don’t ..save it…. Hang on buddy we’re almost half way there no time for weakness yet!!!! Look back over the past few days… remember you are a bad ass!!! I actually took on the challenge of preparing iced valentine cookies for my co-workers (there is nothing so satisfying as sabotaging the weak). I brought in dozens – how many did I have the answer to that is zero. I am a winner.
8:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee
11:0 a.m. - apple
12:30 p.m. - BLACK EYED PEAS, cabbage cucumbers, BALSAMIC
VINEGARETTE
Squat squat squat, lunge lunge lift lift lift run run run kick kick kick
6:00 p.m. - BLACK EYED PEAS , cabbage, carrots, cucumbers
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE
10:00 p.m. - vanilla yogurt
good bye valentines day for another year.
DAY 17 Friday February 15th
TGFMD!!!!!
8:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee coffee
11:30 a.m. - grapefruit
12:30 p.m. - CHICK PEAS!!!! Cucumbers, cabbage carrots –
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE!!!!!
Kick kick kick squat squat squat lunge lunge lunge lift lift lift run run run
6:00 p.m. - chick peas, cucumbers, celery, onion, carrots tuna
BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE!!!
10:00 p.m. - hand full of raisins
Note the return to CHICK PEAS – not that I didn’t enjoy the change up with black eyed peas but I found them to be not as substantial – and when you have so convinced yourself that chick peas are it… you start to feel like you’re cheating and it’s distracting from the mission.
DAY 18 –Saturday February 16th
Got up early packed up some coffees and an orange to head out for the day. Attempted stupidly to get a new drivers license on a Saturday – needless to say I walked out and opted to start my day out and about avoiding food!!
Go down to radio station and hang out with Chris for hours clipping comedy and discussing the ups and downs of our different regimes.. I’ve found I’m remarkably positive about the whole thing and he’s kinda bored by it…. I’ll say that is indicative of him DOING IT WRONG…. Not pumped enough – not enough self-hypnosis – not enough self-high-fiving in the house!!!!! C’mon buddy/ partner WE are in this to win this – YOU ARE THE POWER HOUSE I MODEL MYSELF AFTER… buck up buck-o.
We head off to the mall – to further fill time and avoid food.
Shop shop walk around walk around – compare our asses to the asses of store clerks and shoppers.
Get home @ 5:00 p.m having had only a coffee and an orange since rising at 9:00!!!
Take a shower to get gussied up to eat!!
Put on a record head off to the kitchen prepare your baby…
6:00 p.m. - chick peas, chicken breast, cabbage, cucumber and
A BRAND NEW BALSAMIC VINEGARETTE (FAT FREE)
Going out later so throw in a ½ whole wheat pita!!!!!
Nap get your strength back for an evening of heavy rock. And beer. While out at said rock shows, be aware of those around you… you may feel pretty good kiddo but watch for chicks in low riding trousers and macreme’ bathing suit tops who will despite your new sense of confidence will remind you – you’ve got a LONG LONG LONG WAY TO GO FATSO!
Get home 1:30 a.m. – snack? Did you not see the girl with the marceme bathing suit top fatty? Why bother hit the rack soldier you did good!
DAY 19 – Sunday February, 17th!!! Work this afternoon!!!
10:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee
11:30 a.m. - arrive at work….Take this opportunity to thank your
co-workers sarcastically for not telling you
how absurdly fat you had gotten! Belabor this point
“ Hey thanks assholes!!! remember when I asked if my ass was expanding? And you lied into my face! And said no! Thanks again!”
due to lack of customers you are able to do
squats and lunges behind the bar!!!
12:30 p.m. - grapefruit and water
now you’ve been told you don’t have to stay much longer because it’s so dead…. Don’t go hang out squat some more enjoy the time away from home.
2:30 p.m. A BIG MOMENT FOR US!!! WE WILL VEER FROM THE DIET AT DAY 19 RATHER THEN 20!!! BUT WE’VE BEEN DAMN VIGILENT!
4:00 p.m. - TURKEY SANDWICH!!!! Non-creamy cole slaw!
FEEL A LITTLE WILD!
Savor it …. Enjoy it…. It’s got bread … it’s got cheese
You shan’t be eating like this for a while… LOVE IT!
9:00 p.m. banana & yogurt
You’ve had quite a lavish day haven’t you? Good for you now back to the grind you love!
DAY 20, Monday February, 18th
7:00 a.m. - coffee coffee coffee coffee
8:00 a.m. - banana – orange
it’s a holiday so the time is a little off!! We’ll get through this. With a little extra coffee, and a nice afternoon walk we’ll be o.k.
Walked my ass off (would that it were only literal)
Ate the chicken breast chick pea extravaganza. Loved it. Here’s some fun too…. Name your meal plan. For a long time for lunch I would pack cottage cheese + cucumbers + tomatoes and I called it the “jim dandy” I think I will dub the chickpea meal with or without tuna or chicken “the ringer” so hence forth in these diaries when you see “THE RINGER” you’ll refer to the chickpea conglomeration and know what I’m rapping about.
At this point too I will give chris biggest ups for the proper propers he gave me in his journal and I will let him know, that yes, I am a trusted dieting friend as we’ve both seen pictures don’t lie but most friends will… so lets keep it real in the field of dieting at least. Rock on my brother.
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